The Haunted Weblog

Friday, August 30, 2002

I Owe My Soul To the Company Store – We’re real busy at work lately. The hours are long, and I’m not quite to the middle of a twelve day week. I won’t be able to post as frequently as I would like for a little while.
Book 9:56 PM [+]
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Edgar Allan Jacko – How I prayed that this story was dead. But no, poor me, and poor Mr. Poe, this story was prematurely buried. As absurd as it sounds, Michael Jackson is continuing to work on his mad scheme to make an Edgar Poe biopic, staring himself. But is it so farfetched? Have you considered the parallels?

E. Poe: Inventor of the detective story.
Jacko: Investigated by detectives.

E. Poe: Wrote “The Gold Bug.”
Jacko: Owns the Beatles’s music.

E. Poe: Made a monkey of a king in “Hop-Frog.”
Jacko: Married “The King’s” daughter.

E. Poe: Several thrillers based on his works stared Vincent Price.
Jacko: Had Vincent Price do the voice over in “Thriller.”

E. Poe: A white man who believed black skin to be a sign of inferiority.
Jacko: A black man who became a white man.

E. Poe: Believed music to be the most sublime of the arts.
Jacko: Sings a bit.

E. Poe: Feared waking up in a coffin.
Jacko: Wakes up in a pressure chamber.

E. Poe: Married a 13 year old girl.
Jacko: Dated Webster.

E. Poe: Wrote “Imp of the Perverse.”
Jacko: Perverse

See? It all begins to make sense now.

Book 10:55 PM [+]
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Ye Gods! – All gods are real. All mythological beings, all legendary people, all heroes, all real. That is the concept behind Neil Gaiman’s American Gods. Voltaire said that “If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him.” Gaiman is saying that the gods do exist because man did invent them. It is our belief that created them and our worship that strengthened and sustained them. As people came to this land they brought their gods, fairies, heroes, and myths with them. They lived, grew, and as people abandoned their beliefs, became marginalized. New gods were invented as people began to worship new things. A recently released convict named Shadow is dropped into the middle of this weirdness. He has lost everything that mattered to him, everything he ever loved and believed in, when he is offered a job by the mysterious “Mr. Wednesday.” That is about all I’ll reveal of the plot, other than to let you in on the secret that Wednesday is one of these old gods, and he is moving around the country, trying to recruit more of the old ones to join him, because a storm is coming.

Through these road trips Gaiman introduces us to mythological beings from around the world who have adapted themselves to life in this America. This is a complex and mysterious novel, not revealing its secrets easily. While entertaining and fast-paced, it is also deep and introspective. Occasionally Gaiman will leave the main narrative for small vignettes of gods and men, or breaks in the action when Shadow simply must wait for his boss. In the hands of a lesser writer such changes of pace would have killed the momentum of the story. Here they add to the story, creating new perspectives or showing hidden depths of the characters. Like all good mythologies, this one has more to say than the simple surface of a story. This is about faith, worship, god-hood, fidelity, love, sacrifice, and the soul of America. It is one of the most profoundly spiritual novels I have ever read. Just as myths and legends are repeated to be understood more deeply at each telling, this novel cries out to be read more than once. It’s that good.

Book 10:49 PM [+]
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Fun Things To Do With Dead People – Modern cemeteries seem so impersonal. It is like taking your eternal rest in a miniature suburb. Why not get planted in the back yard? The family doesn’t have to go out of their way to visit you, and you’ll never miss a barbecue or reunion. People of Red Lion Pennsylvania, vote no! Support your right to bury your loved ones on your own damn property. The best thing is knowing that if they ever take your home via eminent domain, the ghosts of your family will forever haunt the off-ramp they replace it with.
Book 10:27 PM [+]
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Huzzah, a Book Price War! – No doubt feeling the heat from competitors like Buy.com, which offers free shipping (on selected items) and a lower-price-than-Amazon guarantee (yet more restrictions apply), Amazon.com has now offers free shipping on purchases over $25. While this is probably bad news for Amazon’s competitors and possibly for its stockholders (believe me, the margins in book retail are already pretty tight), it is good news for impoverished literati.
Book 8:05 AM [+]
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Drink Like an Egyptian – I love this guy. He says that no non-beer beverage has passed his lips for 30 years. He’s getting a little older now so he has had to slow down a bit; only six a day instead of twenty. But surely hops and barley will be his for all eternity – he is having beer bottles built into his headstone. May St. Arnold bless and keep him.
Book 7:52 AM [+]
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As History Goes, It Is Pretty Psycho – Was Bin Laden inspired by Isaac Asimov? Is Al Qaida less a “base” and more The Foundation? Did the terrorists just skip over the “violence is the last refuge of the incompetent” part? It all seems a bit unlikely, but interesting. (via: Bookslut)
Book 7:07 AM [+]
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Sex. Death. Rock N’ Roll. – The fifth issue of Horror Garage is out, and damn but this is a solid little zine. This issue has six stories, all pretty short. The first one, by David J. Schow, is a humorous piece on horror magazine writing. The five that follow are all based on the same theme. It seems that several years ago John Shirley was trying to get together an anthology to benefit an organization that helps mothers who are working to kick drug problems. This anthology called for stories about street people. Although it was a good idea for a good cause, the book never happened. Some of the stories have been printed elsewhere, but these five had yet to see the light of day.

A lot of theme anthologies get repetitive, and you might be afraid that one like this could get a bit preachy, but these five stories escape expectation and pack a solid punch. Charlee Jacob gives us a science fiction prose poem that sings. Greg Kihn delivers a fine ghost story. Richard Kadrey cuts precise vignettes, Rudy Rucker goes surreal, and Edward Lee delivers one of the most dismal and disturbing pictures of humanity I’ve seen in a long while.

The theme of Horror Garage is “Sex. Death. Rock N’ Roll.” The sex is taken care of with a picture of a pretty girl on the cover. The death, of course, is in the horror stories, the fine book and movie review columns, and a good interview with Clive Barker (actually, there is a little sex and rock n’ roll in there too). The rock part is covered with a brief interview with a guy in a “psychobilly” band and a few pages of CD reviews. If you are interested in darkwave, ambient, deathmetal, goth, and similar musical styles, this will be a plus for you. If you are into that sort of music, then you’ll want to pick your copy up at Tower Records, because there you will find it packaged with a free CD sampler. If not, who cares? You get brutal fiction, Norman Partridge writing about Mexican horror movies, and a nice picture of a pretty girl. What’s not to love?

Book 7:35 PM [+]
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It Turned Me Into a Newt! – In Australia a statue of a black cat was blamed for causing a fire, giving a man an asthma attack, and “creat(ing) disquiet.” It has, of course, been removed. Perhaps you thought our modern society had outgrown totems, jujus, and hoodoos?
Book 10:59 PM [+]
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Is the Right Right or Has the Left Left – I don’t usually link to political pieces, but Dean Esmay’s essay on the decline in the quality of liberal argumentation and the way liberals and conservatives view each other deserves to be read. Both are now defined by their fringes, and neither word means what it meant only a few years ago.
Book 10:37 PM [+]
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Now That is a Haunted Library – The owner of a bus company in Norway has spent much of the last 47 years building a nice little library for himself. Readers Digest Condensed Books? Bound bus schedules? Not exactly. “The collection of more than 12,500 pieces spans five millennia. It includes parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls, ancient Buddhist writing rescued from the Taliban, ancient symbols used by Australia's Aborigines and even a signet ring used by Egyptian King Tutankhamen.” He’s thinking of selling it. Anyone in the market for 4000 year old Babylonian clay tablets?
Book 10:13 PM [+]
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Yet More Inspiration For Writers of Horror Stories – Death is declared to be illegal. Imagine the implications if this law was enforceable.
Book 9:46 PM [+]
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More Inspiration For Writers of Horror Stories – At a funeral service in a rural cemetery in Missouri, a bolt of lightning came down and struck three mourners dead. A tragedy in real life, but what an arresting image as the beginning or climax of a ghost story.
Book 9:40 PM [+]
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Whither the Future of America? -- According to a recently published report, a quarter of middle school and high school teachers do not know the subjects they pretend to teach. I can recall several occasions when I wondered if my teachers would be able to pass the tests they were administering. I guess things have not improved much since then. The problem is so bad that the National Science Teachers Association has begun publishing a series of short books to provide teachers with a basic grounding in elementary science. The name of this series is Stop Faking It! I am not looking forward to the kids of today becoming the leaders of tomorrow.
Book 11:05 PM [+]
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Truly, Deeply Creepy -- As anyone who reads this thing more than once knows, The Haunted Weblog occasionally reports on true tales of Weird in the world. The most disturbing news I’ve run across in a while is a report that Michael Jackson has had another child. No, not like that, I mean that he is a father again. At least he says he is. He was seen showing off the child to his pals, Siegfried and Roy, backstage in Vegas. Word is he has named the doomed child Prince Michael II. That way he won’t be confused for his five year old half-brother, Prince Michael, now known as Prince Michael I. I’m going to stop writing about this now; I don’t feel well.
Book 10:29 PM [+]
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Nearly Headless Nick is So Jealous -- Malaysian school officials say parents should calm down and send their kids back to school. Sure, there is a headless ghost haunting the place, no on denies that. But come on, it’s not like he’s mauled anybody. Yet.
Book 10:20 PM [+]
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The Chain They Forge Now Is a Long One -- Thieves broke into the Dickens Museum and made off with first editions of A Christmas Carol. A milestone in the history of the ghost story and a cultural treasure, these books properly belong to all mankind. I fully expect the thieves to eventually meet a grim yet ironically appropriate fate.
Book 10:10 PM [+]
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Soylent Diamonds -- Last week it was a dead guy turned into Frisbees. This week we hear (via the always interesting TryTry) about a company that will turn your carbonized remains into a diamond. What a swell idea. Now we can look forward to wearing our parents as earrings. Or perhaps you might prefer matching cufflinks?
Book 9:54 PM [+]
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Perspective -- This essay, apparently by a retired military man, makes a lot of sense. It should be read by anyone who has ever been afraid that terrorists might use a weapon of mass destruction (that is, everyone). It offers clear-headed explanations of why such a thing is unlikely and how, if the unlikely were to occur, it could be survivable. It makes the case that fear is the terrorist’s most powerful weapon, and an elementary knowledge of these devices takes a lot of that weapon away. It deserves a wider readership.
Book 9:41 PM [+]
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Face Scratching Creatures From Outer Space -- In India people are rioting in the streets, terrified of a UFO they have dubbed muhnochwa (face-scratcher). It has been reported that “the national intelligence bureau was sufficiently concerned to send its own agents, like Mulder and Scully from television’s X-Files, to investigate the ‘alien’ invasion.” Furthermore, “The agents concluded that the villagers were right and that they were indeed experiencing an extra-terrestrial invasion.” It will, of course, turn out to be a weather balloon.
Book 9:39 PM [+]
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It’s All True! – As we reported just three short days ago, mad scientists at NASA plan to install mind reading devices at airports around the country as a prelude to a massive government mind control project. While so-called skeptics and those fools at the institute laughed at this story (and my swell lead hat), your intrepid Haunted Reporter has found unassailable proof of our claims. NASA has now officially denied the story. QED.
Book 9:12 PM [+]
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Imagine -- Imagine you live in a world where adultery is a capital crime. Imagine that if you are a man, you get away without punishment. Imagine that if you are the women, you will be killed. Imagine you live in a world where a court of law can sentence such a woman to be stoned to death. Imagine a crowd of people, packed into the courtroom to see justice, watching the woman, holding her newborn babe to her breast. Imagine they hear the judgement of death by stoning, and watch the terrified woman burst into tears. Imagine that crowd, cheering, happy, praising God. Can you imagine such a world? Of course you can, you are living in it. But of course there is a bright side. They won’t stone her right away. The judge has said that they will wait until the mother is done breast feeding. (Via Holy Weblog!)
Book 9:05 PM [+]
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Eldritch Anniversary – H.P. Lovecraft was born today in 1890. We’ll celebrate with a quote: “The appeal of the spectrally macabre is generally narrow because it demands from the reader a certain degree of imagination and a capacity for detachment from everyday life.”
Book 8:51 PM [+]
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Beyond the Rim of Star-Light -- Today is the 81st anniversary of the birth of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry. You can celebrate by singing the Star Trek theme. The story behind those words tells you what kind of man The Great Bird of the Galaxy was. The lyrics themselves will demonstrate his greatness as an artist.
Book 10:42 PM [+]
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The Prime Directive Sucks! – Rape is wrong. Setting women on fire, mutilating their genitals, denying their human rights, all wrong. Enslaving children is wrong. Human sacrifice, murder, cannibalism, all wrong. There is such a thing as right and wrong. There is such a thing as evil. But wait, in our culture these things are accepted. Oh, sorry, I don’t want to be thought of as a racist, you go right ahead, you noble savage you. I am a post modern enlightened cultural relativist. I hate oppression, so to hell with your women, your children, your victims. I guess there really is no such thing as evil. (link via Arts & Letters Daily)
Book 2:27 PM [+]
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Again, I must report: Beer is Good.
Book 12:26 PM [+]
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Embrace Your Inner Corpse – Words to live by.
Book 11:30 PM [+]
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And They Laughed When I Wore My Lead Foil Hat – The Truth is out! The government plans to install mind reading devices in airports to detect people who might be thinking of committing an act of terrorism. Is it so far from mind reading to mind control? Now who’s laughing, you poor hatless fools! This article is in the Washington Times, so you might want to get yourself a grain of salt before proceeding. (Via: Drudge Report)
Book 5:22 PM [+]
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David Sedaris Gives Good Story – His brother got married. Behold, family joy. (via Dollar Short)
Book 4:27 PM [+]
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Hell Ride! -- Strap in and I'll tell you a little about the latest addition to The Haunted Library. A lot of horror novels like to ease you into it or give you something normal to hang on to so as to ground the weirdness in something you understand. Not A Lower Deep by Tom Piccirilli. In the first few pages you’ve got people mutilating themselves and helpless victims to raise a major demon from hell, you’ve got a main character who happens to be a necromancer and an absolute whiz at raising people from the dead. Then it gets weird. He meets up with the head of his old coven, Jebediah, who is responsible for getting almost everybody in the coven killed, including our unnamed protagonist’s beloved Danielle. Jebediah has formed a new coven and has plans. Big plans. I won’t give it away, but one might say they are apocalyptic plans. He says that if our guy helps he can raise Danielle from the dead with soul intact. Yea. So, what do you, the reader, get for your time? You get a wisecracking demonic familiar. You get the protagonist’s dead father who is now an animated corpse harlequin. You get a nephilim, you get the prophet Elijah, you get a guy whose insides are taken out, but he’s OK, his heart is still beating, it is in a jar. You get a stripping nun, you get an ex-nun into sex majik, and so much more. The breathtaking conclusion takes place in Jerusalem, which was so well described you could feel the heat and taste the bone dust of centuries in the air. The creative Mr. Piccirilli has created his own mythos and melded it into the Judeo-Christian mythology of Europe and the ancient world. The weird, obscure parts of both the Old and New Testaments get an airing here, as do some of the freakier parts of the mythologies that grew up around those books. If you know anything about that stuff you might guess that this novel would be obscenely violent and horrific, and absolutely mind boggling. You’d be right.
Book 9:08 PM [+]
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Soylent Frisbees -- The guy who developed the aerodynamic shape of the Frisbee died. He will be cremated and his ashes will be made into Frisbees. Is that great or what? Most of the limited edition disks (very limited) will go to family and friends, but some will be sold off to raise money for something truly important – a Frisbee golf museum. Man, if these things ever hit eBay I am so there. This could lead to a trend. Rather than becoming worm food or dirtying up an ocean or something, you could be converted to the household item of your choice. Have a green thumb? Then you could become a planter, or perhaps a whole window box. Footwear fashion your fetish? Why not become a pair of natty mock crock slingbacks? If you are more of a joiner than me perhaps you and a few of your friends could collaborate on a decorating project like the good folks in Kunta Hora. I was considering having myself made into a book. Having the ashes mixed with the ink would be easy enough, but finding someone with the expertise to make a me-skin binding could be a problem. Perhaps Cara Mia and I would make a lovely set of bookends. We’ll be eternally decorative and functional. What more could a person ask for?
Book 11:13 PM [+]
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Holy Concluding Volume -- Good news comics fans! The third and final issue of Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Strikes Again is at your local literary dream merchant! Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, all the biggies of the DC Universe are here. As I said about the other volumes, for a DC fan this is great fun. You get to these great, versatile characters in extremes, and you get to see them get very, very violent. There are a lot of great inside jokes and references for comics fans. You get to see the Man of Tomorrow confronting the fact that he is not a man, but a Superman. You get a bit of thought on the nature of the hero, and the suggestion that to be a hero is always to be something of a rebel. You even get to see Miller make fun of the vapidity and banality of pop culture. But you don’t get to see anything said about those issues that is particularly original or profound. Bottom line, if you are a DC superhero fan, then you probably already have your copy. If you are not, then you should think of this a slightly better than average, and much more violent than average comic book.
Book 10:05 PM [+]
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Unspeakable Ultimate Eldritch Evil! And So Cute! – It’s the meme of the day: This "Tale of Plush Cthulhu" has been kicking around the web for about a week now. I first saw it on a mailing list, but since then it has been all over the bloggerverse. If you haven’t seen it already . . . prepare yourself.
Book 9:38 PM [+]
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Good Evening – Today is Alfred Hitchcock’s birthday (which doesn’t mean a whole lot to him, since he is dead and all)! Let us commemorate the day with a HitchQuote: “There is no terror in the bang, only in the anticipation of it.”
Book 9:29 PM [+]
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Vampire Day -- A councilman in Brazil is trying to get her city to declare August 13 as Vampire Day!!! It is all in an effort to raise awareness of a blood drive, and I hope they do it. But take a look at the councilman. Mariliz Marins is the Coolest Politician Ever!
Book 2:37 PM [+]
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More Inspiration For Horror Writers – In The Haunted Weblog’s continuing effort to encourage spooky litterateurs, we bring you this ghastly story about a woman who committed suicide via crocodiles. Imagine this as your first paragraph Now fill in the backstory.
Book 2:19 PM [+]
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Funny thing about genre publishing -- It has these little fads. All of a sudden something will get popular, like say, romantic vampires. For a while the publisher just has to package the book to suggest that the protagonist has that sexy Transylvanian look, and it flies off the shelf. Then, just as suddenly, booksellers find they can’t give them away. Back in the late 1980s the trend in the U.S. was for humorous fantasy novels. Funny fantasy was a kick; it took the tropes of high fantasy and played them strictly for laughs. If you read a whole bunch of these you’ll have good time, but eventually you’ll start to tire of them. I guess that is what happened to the market, because by the mid-90s writers like Robert Asprin and Craig Shaw Gardner were out of print. Lately however, funny fantasy has been making a comeback. Asprin and Gardner’s old books are being printed again, Terry Pratchett is growing in popularity on this side of the pond, and new books are being written.

A couple of months ago I’m unpacking a shipment of new books while chatting with a colleague who is a big fan of sword and sorcery style fantasy. He sees the newly re-issued Robert Asprin books and is intrigued. I tell him about the series, which I read when they were new. Good stuff, I tell him, funny, light -- not intelligent, effervescent wit, no redeeming literary qualities -- just a good giggle. So he read it and he liked it. Then, by way of thanks, I guess, he leant me his favorite book of humorous fantasy and science fiction. It is a very good book, but the funny thing is that it isn’t all that funny.

The Wizards of Odd is an anthology of short SF&F stories edited by Peter Haining, who undoubtedly has a different definition of humor than I do. While most of these stories are written in a light style, many of them quite dark themes and plots. As you might guess, I found that to be a good thing. This book is no longer easily available in the U.S., but if you see it in the U.K. or in a used bookstore, it is certainly worth your time. Can you possibly go wrong reading Douglas Adams, Stephen Donaldson, Robert Bloch, Fritz Leiber, Larry Niven, H.G. Wells, Philip K. Dick, Brian Aldiss, Lord Dunsany, Ray Bradbury, C.S. Lewis, Terry Pratchett, Arthur C. Clark, and Kurt Vonnegut, just to name a few? It includes the SF classic “The Twonky” by Henry Kuttner. This is a fine story, but why include it in a “humor” book? Sure, the image of a walking phonograph set is absurd, but not exactly chuckle inducing. It gives us a glimpse of a grim future dystopia, brilliant, but not funny. Ursula K. LeGuin’s Earthsea based “The Rule of Names” is told in a light style, with touches of humor, but hardly qualifies as a comic piece. Not that there aren’t any laughs in the book. Ray Bradbury’s “Doodad” is darkly humorous, while Reginald Brentnor’s “The Gnurrs Come from the Voodvork Out” and Isaac Asimov’s “Playboy and the Slime God” are just plain funny. As you may have noticed, none of the fiction included here is particularly new. That’s okay, editor Haining picked good stuff. Just not always funny stuff. Odd note about Wizards of Odd. The edition I read was published by Ace, for the American market. That book was a reprint of the original, which had been published the year before in the U.K. For some reason (laziness? cheapness?) the British spelling and punctuation were retained. Not that I mind, but it just seemed strange to read a story by an American, originally published in America, with American spelling, being reprinted by an American publisher, presumably for an American readership, having been adapted for the British public. Perhaps that was Ace’s idea of a joke.

Book 12:52 PM [+]
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As Jan Bondeson points out in Buried Alive, it is difficult for the writer of contemporary fiction to use the theme of premature burial, as modern medical science and the use of embalming have made it impossible -- unless the writer decides his characters should have their burial in Ecuador. The guest of honor at this wake is lucky his relatives live so far away.
Book 9:48 PM [+]
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Real Evil – If you read a lot of dark fiction you will eventually come across the theme of the bad parent. Characters who bring a child into the world for the express purpose of using that child for an evil or depraved purpose. The book I’m currently reading, A Lower Deep by Tom Piccirilli, has just such an event. One of the plot elements have a couple who make a baby in order to have a sacrifice to a demon. But that is just fiction, we say. Such things do not happen. Surely no parent could truly be that evil. We are, of course, wrong. By now you have probably heard about Operation Hamlet, the international round-up of pedophiles. Reading about this is not easy; it is almost pure evil. Parents are accused of bringing children into a world of abuse. Some parents would not only trade images of their children being abused, but trade the children themselves. One member of “the club” is known to have requested an audiotape so that he could enjoy the sound of a child crying. For me to use the word “parent” in this context feels like a perversion. The only good news is that the police have done their work, and 20 people have been indicted. Amazingly, one of them has already plead guilty and been sentenced to 20 years. A 21st pedophile committed suicide just prior to being arrested. It is that suicide that has me thinking. Looked at one way, suicide is a method for one who presumes himself to be soulless to beat the rap. But it is also possible that this man could no longer live with the guilt of what he had done. Although it is just one more selfish act, it does suggest remorse. Remorse is not a quality we usually ascribe to our monsters. It is a part of human nature, and I don’t want these people to be humans. I want to think of them as monsters, demons, fiends corrupted by unnatural lust and evil intent. I want them to be not us, to be other. But I can’t. They are us. We share the same DNA, the same planet, the same culture. As members of the same species, we are stained by their guilt. The only hope I can inject into this is to note that there are those who are working on the side of the angels, and perhaps for our redemption.
Book 9:34 PM [+]
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Lizzie Borden took an axe -- I don’t usually go for these spooky tourism stories – gosh, we might actually see a real live ghost! Ooh, scary, tee-hee. However, this story about a stay in the Lizzie Borden house is well written and surprisingly creepy.
Book 8:15 PM [+]
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Magic Wands Don’t Kill People . . . Here is a story from Zambia about a man who has plead guilty to witchcraft and possession of witchcraft tools. The headline focused on the human heart that he was carrying around, but what caught my eye was the existence of the “witchcraft gun,” described as “a gun-shaped piece of wood believed to be used by witches to kill people at night.” Fascinating how the symbols of power change; what once would have been a magic wand is today a magic gun.
Book 8:10 PM [+]
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I finally found the time to read the latest issue of Cemetery Dance magazine (#39). I’ve called this the best horror magazine out there, the cutting edge, the state of the art and all that. That’s still true, but it is also damn frustrating, because this ‘zine can be so uneven. It starts out great, a terrific interview with Gary A. Braunbeck. Man, this guy is dark. Then we get a new Braunbeck story, “El Poso Del Mundo.” Unbelievably dark and certainly something we’ll see in a few “best of the year” anthologies. Then another terrific story, “The Panic Switch” Jay Bonansinga. But after that we get one of the most brainless and puerile stories I have ever read, “The Lady Down the Street” by Bentley Little. I’m sure the pre-adolescent explicit sexuality and copious amounts of body fluid were intended to shock, but the imagery was so cartoonishly ludicrous that the only result was to make me wonder what the editors were thinking by accepting this extended gross-out joke of a story. That’s the problem with CD. Great fiction, then poor fiction. Good book reviews, a couple of terrific non-fiction pieces (I wish I could force everyone in America to read Thomas F. Monteleone’s essay on celebrity in this issue, and Michael Marano writes kick-ass movie reviews), then a couple that are just passable. There are a couple more very good stories, then one that is as predictable as it is lame. One minute you are impressed by the fascinating interview with Gahan Wilson, the next you are wondering how a horror magazine can misspell Edgar Allan Poe’s name. I guess all this sounds like a slam, but I still say Cemetery Dance is the best horror magazine out there. They have made a lot of improvements in the last year. The next thing to work on is consistent quality.
Book 6:33 PM [+]
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Underground History – Last month I took a break from reading horror fiction with a history. Buried Alive by Jan Bondeson is a history of the fear of premature burial. Any fan of Poe will recognize the theme, and Bondeson wisely brings Poe into his story early on, pointing out that many a foolish critic has wondered what psychological defect in Eddy caused him to invent such a terror. Bondeson goes on to show that works such as "The Premature Burial" were not created in a vacuum, and that the fear of such a catastrophe was old and widespread. The reader is introduced to a number of re-occuring premature burial archetypes, the most popular being the “Lady with the Ring,” in which a grave robber digs up the victim, saving her life. There are many variations on this and other themes, and they show up in one form or another through the 18th and 19th centuries, reported as fact in books, newspapers, and pamphlets. Fear moved from serious inquiry to a perceived threat to fear-mongering, as books were sold and movements were begun based on “true” stories of horror that inflamed the public imagination. 18th century Germany was perhaps the most affected. They developed a belief in a condition called Scheintod, or death-trance. It was believed that a person could exhibit all the outward signs of death, with no detectable respiration or pulse, but remain alive. The only certain sign of death was putrefaction. This led, naturally enough, to a marvel of social and architectural folly, the Leichenhaus. This was where corpses were taken to be watched for signs of life or putrefaction. There was one principle objection to this plan. The stench of death would hang over the neighborhood. The other mechanical solution to this problem was the safety coffin. Several of these are shown in the book, including those with tubes to the surface for air, and even one which beer and sausages could be passed down to the fortunate fellow who is awaiting rescue. Most had ropes that attached to bells, some had flags, or even flares. Some were designed to signal at the slightest movement, so it is probably a good thing that they never came into widespread use, as the process of putrefaction would have caused quite a din in the churchyard. Some coffins designed for use in crypts had doors designed to spring open, and one even had an ejection seat. My favorite idea was a combination Leichenhaus and safety coffin. This was a small crypt with a window. When a watchman determined that putrefaction had begun, the body would be dropped through a trap door!

Why did this fear take on such a life in the 18th and 19th centuries? Bondeson suggests that the dechristianazation of Europe may have had something to do with it. As people began to lose their belief in an afterlife they began to fear death more. The ability to determine when death had positively occurred became an area of intense interest. Bodies where subjected to having their feet slashed, pins stuck in the heart, galvanic power was applied, as was flame and hard brushes. Tongues were pulled, and my favorite, tobacco smoke enemas were applied. The stethoscope was eventually developed, and that solved the problem for most people, but there were holdouts. The 19th century gave us a resurgence in the burial reform movement, much of it led by spiritualists. After all, if the spirit could leave the body and wander about, it would hardly do if some thoughtless person buried one. Crackpots supported causes like this and anti-vaccination movements throughout the century.

Bondeson has an very good chapter on the use of the theme in literature. Mr. Poe is, of course, the big figure, but the widely read author points out quite a few interesting examples that have to be added to my “to be read” list. He also introduces us to the work of 19th century German activist and poet Friederike Kempner, whose poetry was hugely popular in its day. It took poor Friederike a while to find out that she was being read mostly for comic effect. She was, almost certainly, the worst poet I’ve ever read. Completely sincere, completely terrible, completely hilarious. This leads me to another point about the book. While it is a perfectly serious book, it is also the funniest history I can recall. There are bits of this book that are just laugh out loud hilarious. Recommended reading for everyone who is going to die.

Horror writers who would read this book for inspiration do have a problem. The widely read Mr. Bondeson points out H.P. Lovecraft had trouble with the theme, as the practice of embalming creates something of a hurdle for the modern writer. Pity that.

Book 2:14 PM [+]
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